I was convinced my baby deserved a better mum

To say I lost myself that first year is no over-exaggeration. I don't recognise my face in photos, my false smile. Delirious and headachy from sleep deprivation, sugar became my crutch and I piled on all the weight I'd lost after giving birth. I didn't get my hair done for more than six months. Putting on a pair of earrings was too much effort. Never mind "good enough", I was failing miserably at being an alpha mum and I knew everyone would be able to see through the camouflage of makeup so it wasn't worth the effort. And I was so very tired, all the time. I hated what was happening to me, and I imagined that my little boy would one day realise he'd drawn the short straw and reject me. I felt he deserved better than me.